Jonny Reasonable

Hi, I’m Jonny—Jonny Reasonable. Not my real name, of course. In print, it’s my pseudonym. On the streets, amongst friends, it’s my handle, moniker. Ya know, a nickname. It’s necessary cuz I’m a criminal. At least, that’s what the state thinks of me. Me, I prefer a less judgmental label. See, I identify as legally diverse.

Relax, that’s a joke. You can relax around me because of the second reason I’m called Jonny Reasonable. It’s that I am reasonable. Seriously, though I won’t tell you what I get up to day-to-day, I’ll say what I’m like and what you’d likely think if you had to deal with me. Firstly, I don’t yell. I never yell, at least not in front of others. It’s vulgar. Immediately puts you on the back foot, cast as the villain. Comes under the heading of abuse, you see. Yell and the neighbors can hear you. You’re in the wrong from the get go. Yell and your adversary can easily say that you’re yelling and use that as a pretext for not listening. Actually, they might try that tact anyway, even suggesting that you’re yelling when you’re not. Anyway, it’s lesson one: stay calm, don’t raise your voice. It’s unnecessary.

Necessary for what? For appearing reasonable, of course. That’s what this is about, appearing reasonable. Don’t worry so much about what’s true, or right, or just. That’s for later, or not at all in some instances. Next, the language. This is about aesthetics, the semblance of reason. Practice verbosity. That is, learn the buzzwords of a subject, the phrases that kill the clock, filibuster through an argument. Be it business or personal, use words like “boundaries”, and “space” to indicate you honor autonomy, will not impinge on anyone’s rights. This is crucial if what you intend is to, ya know, violate people’s rights. I know. Isn’t my turn of phrase cute? Doesn’t it seem reticent, discreet, as if I know that words might hurt if I don’t use them properly? Speaking of phrases, there are a few phrases that don’t mean much, except one or two that suggest other meanings, and they’re useful as thought appendages that make you look, well, reasonable.

I mean terms and phrases like “per se”, or “so to speak”, or my favorite, “as it were”. I’m not sure what the last one means. I think it’s about playing, as in a play upon words. Regardless, it’ll make you sound smart, charming, or mischievous, but not sinister. Not wrong. That’s the point. If wrongness is a prospect, prepare to cheat. Preface an assertion with “naturally”, or “obviously”, to set the bias. Even if your pronouncement is anything but natural or obvious, you can make it seem so just by how you carry the idea. Practice these tricks a lot or at length and it’ll pay dividends—mark my words. Relax with your words, let yourself play, and let your partner, co-worker, whatever—your adversary—flounder with theirs, especially if it’s vernacular, or—and here’s a no-no: profanity. Or, check that. Use profanity, but not in anger. Not in attack. Use it with a smile, as a bonding gesture, or as something that punctuates a thought but deflates pomposity. Try it. It works. It fuckin’ works!

Now, about touch. This one’s touchy, as we’re in a no-touch world, a hands-off era. A gentle hand on a wrist works sometimes to settle nerves, or a hand on a knee if you and someone are seated next to each other. If you’re standing and you step close, then loom softly, gliding your hands upon the arms of the other, just above the elbow. And be prepared to pull away quickly, even briskly, as that suggests the touchiness of the person you’re in an argument with—it makes them look overly sensitive, unreasonable. Plus, you look like their potential victim. Don’t raise your hands. That signifies assault. The same with gesticulation, as in don’t do it. Makes you look out of control, overly emotional. That’s the thing about reason: it’s about being less emotional, more thoughtful.

Of course it won’t improve intimacy, this strategy. Not intimacy as some talk about it anyway. This is about advantages, not closeness. Being reasonable, so reasonable, will gather enemies. You will annoy people, some of whom will call bullshit on your tactics, make a fuss in public. But they’ll be the ones working harder as the onlookers approach and encircle the scene. The onlookers are more likely to side with you because that’s what happens when neutral opinion steps in and testimonies are called for; when the gavel later strikes. Don’t know why I’m telling you this. It’s no advantage to me that you know my tricks. No loss either, perhaps. You don’t know me. I’m just Jonny Reasonable, and I know how to win an argument. It beats feeling like a criminal.